


Can't Quit You

by TessaE



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Breaking Up & Making Up, Destiel - Freeform, Destiel/Supernatural - Freeform, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt Dean Winchester, Inspired by Music, M/M, Musical References, Musician Dean, Mutual Pining, POV Castiel, POV Dean Winchester, Protective Dean Winchester, Protective Sam Winchester
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-08
Updated: 2017-05-09
Packaged: 2018-10-29 15:26:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10856790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TessaE/pseuds/TessaE
Summary: Three years ago, something drove young lovers Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak apart, shattering Dean and leaving his brother Sam to pick up the pieces.  Now Castiel is back with a mysterious secret just as Dean's band begins to rocket to stardom.  With no support from their friends and lost in memories of a broken past, will they be able to make it work?  Or will they end up losing everything again?This is told from the alternating perspectives of Dean and Cas.It takes place in and around Washington, D.C.





	1. Dean

DEAN

Sam had been right. Castiel was at the club. He was sitting at the bar in a white polo shirt and khaki shorts, his black slip-ons hooked around the stool he was perched on. He was looking down into the drink in front of him, twirling the straw around and around in the clear liquid. As though sensing my eyes on him, he looked up slowly and his blue eyes slid towards the empty stage. I was safely hidden in the shadow of the curtains, but I had a feeling he could still see me. He knew that I was hiding from him as sure I was seeing him here at the bar. I still couldn’t believe it though. Castiel was in the same country as me, nonetheless the same room. It almost didn’t seem possible.

  
Still, here he was with his messy, inky black hair and pale pink lips. I knew this wasn’t just a coincidence. He had come here for me. And I just didn’t know if I could deal with that. As I continued to watch Castiel, he got off his bar stool and wandered towards the door. Pulling a cell phone from his back pocket, he pressed a few buttons and put it to his ear. He must be waiting for his friends to meet him here. One of our many problems had been that they'd hated me. Cas had practically been cast out of his close-knit group of loser friends for daring to date me.  God only knew what they'd had to say about him showing up at my show.  Now would be a perfect opportunity to laugh at me as I spilled my heart out over my guitar, everyone knowing full well that every syllable and every note had been written for him.

  
As the deep bass of his voice reached me over the murmur of the gathering crowd, I was overcome with a hundred different, indefinable emotions and had to turn away. Ducking backstage, I made my way back to the rest of the guys who were all busy getting ready for the show. And by getting ready, I mean they were sitting around drinking while the road crew unpacked our equipment and tuned our guitars. Generally, I’d be out on the stage helping out by now, but I couldn’t bear the thought of talking to Castiel yet. **_Even though every atom in my body was already screaming for him._**

  
Sam looked up from his beer as I stumbled over a box of extension cords and nearly fell on my face. I knew he was watching for my reaction to his news, so I cursed and bent over to rub my knee instead. He hated Castiel about as much as Cas’ friends hated me and he’d been ready to have him kicked out of the club a half hour ago. It was probably the healthy thing to do, just get him out of here before anything could happen. But it had been over from the moment I laid my eyes on him. Just like always. I couldn’t control myself around him.

  
“So, was it Cas?” Sam asked carefully as I took a seat on a speaker box across from him. I bit the corner of my lip and folded my arms over my chest. I was wearing my favorite worn out black Batman t-shirt tonight. A t-shirt Castiel had bought years ago. When we had still been good. And now he was going to see me get on stage and sing sad songs about him in this damn t-shirt he had given me. **Fucking great.**

  
“Yep.” I replied, still keeping my eyes downcast. I just didn’t need a lecture right now and if he saw the look on my face, he was going to tear me a new one. It had been over three years since what Sam kindly liked to refer to as the Dark Ages and no one wanted to go back there. _Except maybe me_. **Every day**. I may have been miserable, but at least I still had Castiel.

  
“Fuck him, man.” Sam growled. “He has balls showing up at one of our shows. Just say the word and I will get him kicked the fuck out.”

  
“That’s really not necessary.” I replied, already exhausted by the turn of events. I was not ready to fight the world for him again. Not when I had just gotten back on my feet. “If he’s causing any trouble during the show, that’s one thing, but right now, he’s just a paying customer.”

  
“Whatever you say, Dean.”

I finally looked up at Sam and our eyes met momentarily. He was worried about me. I could see it written all over his face.

And I was just going to add that to the pile of things that I just couldn’t deal with at the moment.

“Hey man, we got a show to put on.” I answered, trying to keep my voice light. “Let’s worry about that first. And Castiel second.”

  
“So you saw him too?” Charlie, our fiery, redheaded drummer, was carrying a beer and making her way towards our makeshift sitting area, a curvy brunette with a pierced lip in tow. “I thought all that VR gaming was finally messing with my head.”

“I think that would be the preferable situation, at the moment.” Sam muttered, still clearly displeased.

  
“You okay, dude?” Charlie nudged my shoulder as she pulled over a couple of folding chairs and plunked down with her new lady friend.

  
“Look, I’m gonna go on the record right now.” I let out a sigh of exasperation. “I’m fine. Totally fine. Castiel is here. I’m here. It’s cool. Am I surprised? Hell yeah. But I’m not going to have a nervous breakdown, so everyone needs to chill.”

  
“That’s what I like to hear. Way to go, dude.” Charlie extended her fist and we tapped knuckles. “So can we drop it now, Sammy?”

  
Sam merely glowered at us over the rim of his beer, but I knew he was done for now. Sighing in relief, I closed my eyes and tried not to think about Castiel. About the way he looked exactly the same. The way his shirt had hugged the lines of his arms and chest just right. The way I just wanted to bury my face into his neck and smell his skin and feel his hair in my hands.

The familiar ache I had worked so hard to bury was slowly rising back to the surface and the only thing that would soothe it was Castiel.

Which meant I was so incredibly fucked.


	2. Castiel

CASTIEL  
  


I was freaking out.

What had I been thinking? What in the world had I been thinking? I mean, what had possessed me to come here? To be here in the same place as him. Sam was going to try to get me kicked out the minute he spotted me. Or even worse, Dean would tell me to get the fuck out. And then where would I be? I had spent so long trying to pretend like I didn’t care and now here I was, about as vulnerable as one could possibly be.

Gabriel was supposed to meet me here an hour ago, but it was looking like he might bail. He hadn’t wanted me to come in the first place and tagging along with me would only be enabling me. At least, according to the voicemail he had left me this morning. Still, I knew he wouldn’t let me face Dean alone. Gabe wouldn’t leave me here alone to listen to him sing about all of our old shit, while Sam glared at me from behind his bass? Right? Gabe was a lot of things, but he wasn’t cruel. He was just letting me sweat. Or he was just running late, like usual.

  
Returning to my seat at the bar, I ordered another vodka tonic and took a few deep breaths in an attempt to calm my nerves. I knew it was wrong of me, after everything, but I had to see Dean again. I needed to hear his voice and trace the line of jaw with my eyes and see for myself that he was still living and breathing and doing what he loved best. Even if it was without me. I didn’t really know what my end goal was, but I just couldn’t stay away anymore.

  
Without Gabe to distract me, I settled in to watch the road crew set up the stage and every time the curtain parted, my heart would beat a little faster. But it was never Dean. Someone must have let him know that I was here because he was usually up on stage helping with the sound. Even as his band had gotten big and started to headline their own shows, Dean would still be out there tuning guitars and listening for feedback. Or maybe he really was too much of a big deal to be out there now. I irrationally cringed at the thought of him getting wasted and hanging out backstage with half naked girls.

  
My phone vibrated loudly and I jumped half out of my clothes. I picked it up from the bar top and unlocked the screen, expecting to see a text from Gabe. Instead, I saw Dean’s number glowing up at me and something seemed to shake loose inside me. He knew I was here and he was texting me. Breathing deeply, I opened the text and I realized my hands were shaking.

  
_**“Cas.”** _

  
I stared hard at the letters, trying to make sense of what I was seeing. Just three letters and my heart was pounding so hard I thought I might be going into cardiac arrest. And I didn’t even know what he meant by it. But at the same time, I knew it meant everything. With Dean, it had always been about the little nuances. I had to take care not to miss something or I’d risk missing everything.

  
Willing myself not to think too much, I quickly typed, “I'm sorry.” Then I pushed the send button firmly and slapped it facedown on the bar.

  
Almost instantly, my phone vibrated again and my heart fluttered in my chest wildly. But this time, it really was Gabriel and he was complaining about how crowded the club had already gotten and how he couldn’t find me. I stood up quickly, straining on my toes to see over the crowd. Gabe was standing just a few feet from the door with his arms folded across her chest and a very displeased expression on his face. He was wearing a ridiculous Hawaiian shirt that made him impossible to miss. I waved in his direction as happily as I could manage and he stomped over to my spot at the bar.

  
“You could have at least saved me a seat.” Gabe grumbled as I pulled him in for a hug. “Ugh, stop squeezing me so hard.”

  
I smiled as I let him go and motioned in the direction of my stool. “Take my seat and I’ll buy you a drink. I am so happy you are here.”

  
“Well I’m not. You know how I feel about this.” Gabe continued to look disgruntled, but he plopped down on the stool. “And I want something with a lot of vodka.”

  
“I can make that happen.” I leaned over the bar and caught the eye of the pretty bartender. who'd already been quite friendly with me tonight. After she had taken our drink order, I turned back to Gabriel and bit my lip nervously.

  
“So is everyone mad at me?” I already knew the answer to this question. Of course, our friends were pissed at me for going to Dean’s show. What I was doing was the equivalent of crashing a gas tanker into a recently contained forest fire. Everything had finally settled down and now I was basically stoking the flames again.

  
“I don’t know who they’re more pissed at, you or me.” Gabe replied sharply. “But I just couldn’t let you do this alone. I don’t trust Dean.”

  
I rolled my eyes. “You’re being overly dramatic. Everything’s going to be fine.” Although I didn’t entirely believe it myself, I wasn’t going to let Gabriel know that I was having doubts. In fact, I didn’t want anyone to know that I was absolutely terrified of seeing Dean face to face. Just his one word text message had nearly killed me.

  
And then suddenly, Dean came out on stage. And he started to sing. And he looked right at me. And that was it. Everything came rushing back. The way his lips felt on mine. The way his hands used to run gently across my ribcage. The way my heart would pound every time he took my hand. And I knew I had made the right choice coming here.

I didn’t know what the night would bring, but I knew that there'd be no going back.


	3. Dean

DEAN

“I’m sorry.” The words were echoing inside my head over and over again endlessly. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry. Where one word ended the next began, like a round of Row Row Row Your Boat. And I could hear him saying that to me, just like he had a million times before. “I’m sorry, Dean.” I could see his big, sad blue eyes and his full lips as they formed the shapes of those simple syllables. I closed my eyes against the crush of desire that the thought of his lips conjured within me. Funnily, that's all I'd needed to hear from Cas to erase the past three years. Just those two little words. They had the power to calm even the most violent rage I could muster and yet, he threw them around so casually, so carelessly. Those words had the power to quiet my demons the way nothing else could.

  
I had to get away from the guys, I realized, as more emotions began to flit to the surface. I suddenly felt like I was going to suffocate if I didn't get away from them. I need to move or write...or just...something.  The accoustic set we were doing for a radio station tonight was set to start soon, so that didn’t really leave me much time to do anything. Still I got up wordlessly, pocketed my phone and wandered back towards the stage. Beyond the curtain, I could hear the clinking of glasses and the restless buzz of the crowd. Our band was popular on the indie circuit and there was sure to be an endless array of teenagers and early twenty somethings’ clad in tight jeans and oversized glasses waiting to hear me warble something off our new EP.

  
But I wasn’t feeling that tonight. Just like always, whenever Castiel was around nothing else seemed to matter. And that was the problem, wasn’t it? Because so much else mattered. Suddenly, I knew what would quiet the buzzing in my head.  I couldn’t help myself when I grabbed my guitar and walked out on stage. The stage lights weren't set and mics weren't on, but I pulled up a stool center stage and sat down on it resolutely anyways. Everyone in the club was still busy chatting and flirting and buying drinks, but I began strumming my guitar anyways. Sam was going to be furious, but I didn’t give a shit at the moment. The only way I was going to be able to deal with Castiel in the audience was to sing about it.

  
Castiel didn’t notice my arrival at first either, but Gabriel did and he didn’t look happy. He placed a hand on Castiel’s shoulder and leaned forward to whisper in his ear. I watched as Cas's muscular shoulders stiffened slightly and then he seemed to shake himself. Running a hand through his messy hair, he turned slowly and looked right at me. Cas bit his lip and shrugged as if to say he had no idea what he was doing here. And I knew for the most part, he didn’t.  

_When it came to us, neither of us ever knew what we were doing._

  
I kept strumming the guitar quietly and watching Castiel’s face. And I knew what he was thinking just as he knew what I was thinking. We wanted each other so much that it hurt. **But that had never changed.** That had never been the problem. It had been everything else.

  
I swallowed hard and cleared my throat. Then I began to sing our song, the one that I had first sung to him in my dad’s car in an empty parking lot in the middle of the night. It had been raining outside and he had been crying silently and I’d pressed my lips to his for the first time. I had felt his tears against my cheeks and tasted their salt in my mouth and loved him so much for it. Back then, our song was just a lame demo that I had recorded in a shitty studio, but to us kids, it had been everything.

  
Castiel never had much faith in himself, and he was always shy to sing around me. But when he did, it gave me goose bumps. That night he sang along in his beautiful, deep voice, harmonizing with mine without even trying. That was the night we had fallen in love, the night some sort of profound bond had been fused between us. We'd promised to never let go of each other. Until Cas finally did.

  
My voice wavered a little when I got to the chorus, but I continued singing anyway. By now, the crowd was pressing in towards the stage, excited by my unexpected solo performance. Someone dipped the spotlight so that it was shining directly onto me, making it impossible to see anything beyond the stage.  Cas's face quickly dissolved into darkness. I hoped he was out there feeling what I was feeling, that incredibly intoxicating mix of pain and sadness and relief and happiness that made it hard to breathe.   _ **But was everything that I lived for.**_  

  
As I began the next verse, my voice recovering, the swell of a cello joined my guitar. I glanced behind me and was surprised to see the pierced brunette who had been following Charlie now had an enormous cello resting between her knees. She winked as I caught her eye and I nodded. The warm sound of the cello filled the room and I let it wash over me as my voice spilled out effortlessly. I had sung this song so many times over the years that it was a part of me, just as it was a part of the history I shared with Castiel. It was the song that had gotten the band signed and it was the one that every one of our fans knew all of the words to. It was the song of a broken heart, of longing, of forgiveness and now maybe, something more. Maybe, redemption.


	4. Castiel

CASTIEL

 

After the concert ended, I stood up to leave, legs feeling like wet noodles. Between the vodka and my nerves and...just...so much Dean after so long without him, I was surprised I could even stand or see straight.

Dean had been just as I remembered him, but somehow brighter, more sharply outlined than before. It had hurt to look at him while he'd rocked out on stage, doing exactly what he was meant to do. And yet, I'd kept staring at him despite the way my eyes burned, because he'd spent the entire night staring right back at me, singing every song right to me. And that was almost harder to bear then him ignoring me. He had never given up on us, unlike me who had thrown everything away for no good reason. I felt relieved and ashamed at the same time. And I didn’t like it. 

Not knowing what to do now, I glanced over at Gabriel, who was leaving a generous tip for our ever-friendly bartender. He still wasn’t in a great mood, but the free booze and the curvy view had definitely helped.

  
“How are you doing, my man?” He asked as he fluttered a napkin with a number on it in my face.

  
“Nicely done.” I grinned and motioned towards the napkin by way of a response. I really couldn't answer his question anyways.  _Because I had no idea how I felt at the moment._ I was so jumbled up inside that it was painful. “I don’t know what to do now.”

  
“Well, that makes two of us, bro.” Gabe replied, his voice rough. “This isn’t easy for me either. I don’t want to watch you two tear each other apart again…I don’t think I could bear it.”

  
“I just have to try.” I practically whispered. “You saw him tonight. I think he feels the same way.”

  
“He certainly feels something.” Gabe muttered as he turned to face me. “And you better believe I will not be leaving you alone with him. I still don’t trust him.”

  
“Well I guess some things really don’t change.” I froze as Sam’s sharp voice interrupted our conversation. Rightfully, Sam had plenty of reasons to be upset with me. He’d always been protective of his older brother and by hurting Dean, I had crossed a line that Sam couldn’t abide by. I felt sick as his sharp hazel eyes flashed over me, judging every inch of me. “Still sulking during our shows and talking trash about Dean,Gabriel.”

  
“Good to see you to, Sam.” Gabe bit out coolly. “Can’t say I’m any happier about this then you are, but you know, I gotta stand by my bro.”

  
“Well, look, I don’t want him going anywhere near Dean.” Sam practically growled. “He’s finally pulled it together and I don’t want Cas going in and fucking shit up again like he always does.”

  
“Don’t act like Cas isn’t fucking standing here.” Gabe’s voice lowered, his tone deadly. “Dean’s a big boy. He doesn’t need you babysitting him.”

  
“I could say the same for Castiel.” Sam shot back. “But from where I’m standing, it looks like Castiel’s brought his watch dog with him tonight.”

  
Gabriel’s eyes blazed and he clenched his hands into tight fists. I held up a hand and he looked over at me. He was absolutely furious. “I can’t deal with this, Castiel. We gotta go.”

  
“Look, Sam.  I get where you're coming from.  I'm not here to start anything,” I agreed. I was flushed with embarrassment, which was making it hard to think straight. I just wanted the confrontation to end.  "We're leaving."

  
“Yeah, get the fuck out.” Sam glared at me, his eyes icy with loathing. “I should have done this before the show started, but—“

  
“Sam. Shut. The. **Fuck.** Up.” Dean’s voice was dangerous as he came to stand next to his brother. He seemed to tower over Sam in his anger, even though his younger brother was the taller of the two. For a moment, no one said anything and I watched as Dean’s broad shoulders bunched tensely beneath the thin material of his shirt. I flushed with the memory of finger nails biting into those shoulders and then redirected my attention to Dean’s face. His green eyes were stormy and his full lips were pressed into a grim line.

  
“Dude—“ Sam began again, but Dean just glared at him. “Seriously, just fucking leave. I told you not to bother him.”

  
Sam narrowed his eyes in my direction. “Whatever, man. You know where to find me when he fucks you over again.” Then he disappeared into the crowd before anyone could react.

  
As the effects of Sam’s fury settled over us, Gabriel cursed loudly. “This is a shit show already! I am going outside to smoke. But I will be back!” The last part was directed at Dean, who he glared at ferociously.

I held on to Gabe’s arm for a moment. “Thanks for the back up.”

  
“Yeah, yeah.” He grumbled, but he tossed me a gentle smile over his shoulder. “I’ll be back in a few. Do not leave with him.”

  
I shot Gabriel a pointed look that he pretended not to see as he stalked off in the direction of the door. With both our overprotective counter parts and their hostilities gone, all that was left was the tension that stretched out unbearably between Dean and me. I turned back to him, my stomach lurching as though a field of butterflies had been set free inside of it.

  
Dean looked down at me, his blue eyes unreadable. “Castiel…what are you doing here?”

  
“I don’t really have a good answer for that.” I replied uncertainly as I looked back up into his handsome face. “I just needed to see you.”

  
“Well, I needed to see you too. What took you so damn long to get here?” And then he pulled me into his arms and crushed me against him.


	5. Dean

DEAN

 

Cas smelled so fucking good. That was my first thought when I touched him. Then all I could concentrate on was the way he felt. He was so solid and warm, his body muscular and firm in my arms. I fisted his dark hair in my hands as he buried his face in my neck.  And it was like we had never been apart. The rightness of the feeling was so overwhelming, I could hardly breath.  How could I have possibly been living without this feeling for the past three years. How had I not just dropped dead?  

Honestly, I probably almost had.

  
Castiel’s shoulders started to tremble and I tightened my hold on him. “I got you, baby.” I whispered into his hair. “It’s okay."

  
“I’m so sorry, Dean.  I'm so so so sorry.”

  
“Stop saying that, Cas.” I lifted my head and looked around the club, surveying the scene quickly. I didn’t want our reunion ending up on someone’s Facebook feed, or worse, on some shitty gossip website.  My sexuality had been under near constant scrutiny lately since I'd been careless enough to get snapped by the paps with guys and girls.  Instead of any amateur paparazzi, my eyes fell on Gabriel, who was standing by the door with his arms crossed over his chest. And he looked less than pleased. His eyes bore into mine with an intensity that had the hair on the back of my neck prickling to attention. I fought the urge to roll my eyes and settled for sighing deeply.  It was already obvious by the reactions of our friends that if Castiel and I had any chance of being together again, it was going to require so much more than just our desire to be so. We were going to have a huge fight on our hands.

  
I just wasn’t sure that I could do that again.  I'd gone to battle for Cas years ago when we'd just been college kids.  But now...there was so much more at stake than missing a class or assignment.  And if things didn't work out again?  What would happen to me?  I couldn't fall apart on Sam again.  He didn't need to be taking care of his big brother.  He deserved to be out there enjoying the perks of our new found success.  

It was all too fucking much.  I hadn't been prepared for this.  In fact, I hadn't been prepared to see him ever again.  He'd made it pretty clear when we'd broken up.  But now, Cas was here out of the blue and wanted...what?  To get back together?  Or was I just getting ahead of myself? There could always be something else behind his reappearance.  Castiel was not exactly the most transparent person, which had always been problem number one with him.  

I sighed again.  This night was already the longest of my life. Being around Cas was just straight up exhausting, but that was nothing new. It had always been like this with him. He left me weak.

  
“Gabriel is staring me down.” I finally brought myself to say. Cas pulled away from me with a questioning look and then followed the direction of my gaze to where his friend was mean mugging me by the exit sign.  Cas wiped at his face quickly and then motioned for the guy to join us.   Gabe’s frown deepened, but he stalked back in our direction.

  
“So what’s going on here?” Gabriel blurted out. “Am I going to be on babysitting duty for the rest of the night or what? Just so you know right now, I’m not leaving you guys alone because—Cas, are you crying? Did you make him cry already?” His fierce gaze swung from Castiel to me.

  
I held up my hands, trying to look as blameless as possible. “I swear I didn’t do anything.”

" _Yet_."  Gabriel retorted.  "You haven't done anything _yet_.  But I'm sure you will."

Before I could respond, Cas groaned loudly. “Sam was right. Nothing’s changed! You two still fight like cats and dogs.”

I hated to agree with my brother on that point, but when he was right, he was right.   It felt like we were all just picking up where we'd left off three years ago.  All these wasted years and none of the old animosities had been put to rest.   If I took Gabriel's bait and started a fight, it was going to be senior year all over again.  But the reality was that we were older and we needed to start acting like it.  Things needed to change.

I guess my silence spoke for itself because Cas looked up at me uncertainly, his cheeks flushed and his eyes bright with unshed tears. The guy was pretty even when he was crying, for Christ sakes. Like some kind of beautiful fallen angel.  How was I supposed to resist that?

  
“You okay?” He asked, placing a hand softly on my arm. As his touch burned into my bare skin, I suddenly felt like I was suffocating again. We were going to have to leave the club immediately or I was going to loose it.  

  
“Do you mind if we go get some air? This is all just kind of alot and I need to go somewhere quiet.”  I was beginning to think I might puss out if I didn’t get some actual alone time with him. The past was already beginning to crowd into the present, making it even harder for me to cope with tonight’s chain of events.  I was happy he was here...but...the way things had ended...After all this time, it still felt just like yesterday.

  
“Okay, sure. Let’s go for a walk.” Cas replied as he glanced at Gabriel, who just huffed and started trudging back toward the exit. Castiel followed behind him obediently, one hand pushing roughly through his mop of hair and the other swinging out to catch the door.  I watched as his shirt hitched up with that unconscious movements, exposing a line of smooth, tanned stomach and hips.  Almost instantly, I was overcome with the desire to hold him against me again and feel those hands on me. All over me. 

  
Clearing my throat instead, I fought the urge to grab him and trailed after the two friends. We pushed through the dwindling crowd from the venue and into the warm night air. It was well after midnight, but the city streets were still full of young people flitting from bar to bar. This part of DC was always overrun with drunken college kids on the weekends, looking to party and hook up with strangers. And over the last couple of years, I had slowly become just like them. Trying to chase away the loneliness and the dull ache of betrayal with one night stands and binge drinking. For Sam and the rest of my friends, the inevitable cliché I had become counted as progress, even though it hadn’t fixed whatever had broken inside of me...

  
Holy shit, I had to fucking focus or things were going to go south real quick.  Now was not the time to be spiraling out.

Castiel was here and I didn’t want to waste this night dwelling on things that I couldn't change right now. Scrubbing my face with my hands, I mentally slapped myself in the face and return my gaze to his body, using it as an anchor to the present. _Castiel was here. Castiel was here. Castiel was here._ And I wasn’t going to lose him again.


	6. Castiel

CASTIEL

I could feel Dean's eyes on my body as I walked a few steps ahead of him.  Even though people were reaching out for him, asking for autographs and pictures, I knew his gaze was locked on me.  Yet another thing between us that hadn't changed.  Nothing else mattered when we were this close.  It was just him and me and the inevitable explosion.

  
I snuck a glance over my shoulder, watching as passersby reacted to his casual presence on the sidewalk.  Even in the dark, it was going to be hard for Dean to get very far without being recognized.  His perfect face was splashed on practically every magazine and website these days as his band began to gain more traction.   With deep green eyes, a sharp jaw line, and killer smile, Dean Winchester was insanely beautiful.   The kind of beautiful that made you want to cry.  The kind of beautiful that kept you up all night, aching with desire.  Back when we'd first met, I'd been overwhelmed by it.  I hadn't been able to get over the fact that someone like him actually existed in the same airspace as me, not to mention wanted to kiss the shit out me every chance he got. Even now, even after all these years, his beauty still took my breathe away.  

  
Dean's gaze shifted to meet mine and as our eyes locked, I felt like crying again.  He looked so fucking tormented and I knew it was my fault.  This whole thing was my fault.  If I could have just been better, been stronger for us, then maybe things could have been different.  Instead, here we were and I couldn't fucking stand it for another minute.

Swallowing hard, I turned and quickly closed the space between us, grabbing his arm and pulling him into an alleyway between two random bars.  I wasn't going to give either of us time to react.  Shoving him up against the brick wall, I crashed into his body so hard our hip bones banged against each other.  We'd probably both have bruises tomorrow, but Dean didn't seem even remotely bothered.  Instantly his lips were on mine, his tongue plunging into my mouth and licking its way deep inside.  His hands slid down my back to grip my ass, squeezing hard as I raked my fingers into his thick hair, pulling hard, pulling him closer.  I kissed him with roughly and he responded in kind, sucking down on my lower lip and nipping it with his teeth.  I gasped into his mouth, reveling in the hot, wet feel of our lips meeting, and ground my hips against his, wanting to be even closer.  Wanting to be inside.  Dean pulled me tighter still and I kissed him with everything I was worth, kissed him with three years worth of yearning and guilt and regret.

  
Eventually, Dean pulled away gently and pressed his forehead to mine, his breathing ragged. “Jesus, Cas. You’re fucking crazy, you know that.  I need to breathe for a minute.”

"Yeah, sorry.” I felt my lips curve into a small smile.  My heart was pounding so hard I felt lightheaded. “I just couldn’t stand it anymore.”

  
“Couldn’t stand what?” He asked, looking confused. 

  
“Seeing you look so sad.” I replied softly as I slowly releasing my tight grip on his hair.  

  
Dean smirked, which made my heart beat even harder. “Well, I’m certainly not sad anymore.  That is definitely not the word I would use.”

  
“Good, I'm glad I could help.” I laughed lightly.

“Hey, I think we lost your friend.” He commented, sounding more than a little amused as he glanced over my shoulder.

  
“Oh shit, shit, shit."  I'd totally forgotten about Gabriel.  I dropped my arms to pull my cellphone out of the back pocket of my shorts. Unlocking it, I saw that he had texted me about twenty times in the past five minutes. Gritting my teeth, I opened the first text.

  
_“You disappeared on me, so I’m going to try my luck with that bartender. Tell Dean that if he does anything stupid, I’ll cut his f-ing balls off.”_

  
The next one read: _“I better see you in my apartment bright and early tomorrow  Tell Dean I know where he lives.”_

  
The next few went on in a similar vein: _“Anna is going to kill me. So is Michael.”_

  
And lastly, the one that made me feel sick, “ _You had better tell him the truth, Castiel. I can’t walk down this road with you again if you don’t. Have a good night.”_

  
I locked my phone quickly and looked up to find Dean wandering out of the alleyway and on to the sidewalk.  As he went to sit on a nearby bench, he looked as conflicted as I felt. Damn it, Gabriel. I had told him I would tell Dean when I was ready. And I wasn’t ready. Not when we were finally together again. Nothing I had to say was going to go over well with Dean and I wasn’t ready to ruin our moment. We had plenty of time to rip open old wounds.

  
I slowly made my way across the sidewalk and sat down next to Dean. He smiled at me and threw an arm over my shoulders. “Everything okay with you and Gabriel?”

  
“Yep.” I smiled reassuringly at him, doing my best to swallow around the guilt that was threatening to choke me. “All good.”

  
“Is that so?” Dean gave me a significant look and pulled me into his side. “He’s really okay with us hanging out alone? You know, since I’m so untrustworthy?”

  
I laughed.  "I doubt you even give one shit about what he thinks of you."

  
“Well you got me there.” He seemed to ponder this seriously for a moment, his brows drawn over his eyes. “But I do care what you think about me."

  
“I haven't made that obvious enough yet?” I leaned into his side and felt his arm tighten around my shoulders.  "What else could I possibly do to make that any clearer?"

“Oh, I think I could give you a few ideas.” Dean practically growled, his eyes on my lips.  "Kissing me like that again would be a good place to start."

“Right here?”  I waved my hand at the open air around us.  We were on like the busiest street in Adams-Morgan.  "Right now?"  When he just shrugged slightly, I raised an eyebrow skeptically.  "You're not worried about this ending up in the news?"

"Eh, what does it really matter?"

"Sam would probably be pretty pissed at you."  I couldn't help bringing up his brother.  Sam was family and family was everything to Dean.  I didn't want to be the reason they stopped getting along.

"Sam's already pissed at me." Dean sighed heavily.  "And he's also not my keeper."

"I know, I just don't want to get on his bad side already." 

"I think it's a little late for that." He replied gruffly as he lifted my chin with his free hand. "Now can we please stop talking about Sam?" As I looked up into his brilliant green eyes, I could see a little of the Dean I used to know there.  The Dean who used to look at me like he wanted to devour me whole.  Back then, his hunger for me had been so raw and wild that I'd completely lost myself in it.  I had been so wrapped up in us that I'd lost hold of everything else too.  

"Yeah, ok,"  I said slowly, my heart beginning to pound again.  I could feel that pull towards him that I couldn't ever seem to control.  "I guess I could start by kissing you.  And then what?"

"You let me worry about what comes next."  He breathed as he leaned down to press his lips to mine.  And just like that, we were lost in each other again.  

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter will be pretty short and sort of revolve around a musical theme. Took some liberties with the characters so please be kind...its an AU. Disclaimer: I don't claim to own Supernatural or any of the music referenced.


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